Fifteen-to-One - Schools 03
WEDNESDAY APRIL 6TH
6:30am - Two alarms simultaneously go off, although my "so high pitched you can't sleep through it!" (although I frequently do) alarm completely drowns out Nick's travel alarm.
7:15am - Having managed to take turns in the tiny, tiny bathroom without swearing impatiently while waiting, me and Nick make our way down to breakfast, again in the fancy restaurant-cum-greenhouse. It turns out that only Stubbens and Shaw have beaten us there, but they seem more concerned that I'm wearing a pure white T-shirt, in direct contravention to the dress code. I tell them that, given the risks we all run relating to spillages of coffee, strawberry jam and such, wearing my fancy 16 quid top isn't such a good idea just yet. Following this rare victory for me in the field of common sense, I go off to get my self-service breakfast.
Not a bad selection I suppose, cereals for those who can bear crunchy stuff at this time of morning, trad. English stuff for the hedonists, glass jugs full of various coloured liquids which look like a display of art in the medium of glass. I choose to have a bowl of fresh peaches (or they could have been apricots, at that time of morn it's very difficult to tell), and take them back to our table in the "greenhouse", where I struggle to pick them up in the spoon and transport them from bowl to mouth without them leaping gracefully onto the floor
7:30am - Daniel and Andrew arrive, closely followed by Lizzie, although she's far enough behind to avoid accidentally getting associated with the other two. These are all followed by a waiter who very kindly pours us coffee, whether we like it or not. Luckily, we all seem to like it. Still no sign of Sarah.
7:40am - Sarah finally makes an appearance, and has a breakfast which is close to having nothing as is possible without actually having nothing. All now finished, and mostly with coffee-stained teeth, we go back to our rooms for final tarting-up.
8:10am - Damn, Nick's beaten me to the bathroom again. Now wearing my item of high fashion, I pass the time waiting for my turn by watching the BBC Breakfast News (finest in the land, allegedly). There's a story about that musical about ABBA which opened last night. I turn the television off and at the same time, Nick leaves the bathroom. I go into the bathroom and "do" my hair, wondering what purpose a musical with no new music serves.
8:30am - After a few last minute panic attacks and visits to the bathroom (even future local celebrities get the squits), we all leave our rooms and congregate in the hotel foyer. As well as us, the people we identified last night as "the enemy" are also there, looking sheepish, but not as sheepish as us. I believe the term is "bricking it". Andrew grabs a handful of the complimentary mints from the bowl, actually when I say a handful I mean something more like enough to fill a carrier bag. Then we get on the minibus. We're first on, and so end up at the back, cramped up with two people and two huge bags (none of us appear to travel light) on each bus seat. As if this wasn't unpleasant enough, the radio on the minibus is tuned to Capital FM. Thankfully, we only have to spend about ten minutes in this mobile hell, and when we arrive we see Laura (who narrates the opening sequence and presents the trophy in the grand final) walking out of the car park. This vision of an IRL version of someone off the telly reminds us of what we're about to do, and we soon forget our cramped journey, now too busy worrying about who's going to get the science question.
9:00am - We sign in again. This time we're a lot faster, as we are now veterans at this signatures lark. All of our team, plus all of the other teams, and their teachers/babysitters, then go through to a different green room, which has the same manky coffee problem as the other one, but no direct line to Frank Skinner.
9:15am - Make up. Only two at a time, but Westbourne demonstrate our pioneering spirit by getting straight up to go first. Well, Sarah does, and Daniel follows quite soon after, does that count? When Daniel comes back, I pluck up the courage to go, and the lady in the make-up room does her best to make me look normal. Then I go back, and Nick goes in, who returns five minutes later to be replaced by Andrew. Then, just as the first member of the next team leaves to get prettied, Sarah returns, having taken the same time as the rest of the team put together. Either we were very easy to make beautiful, or just beyond worth trying with. I fear it was the latter.
9:40am - Yet another different dogsbody comes into the green room to check the spellings of our names, and tell us the order that we'll be standing in within our team - Daniel on the far left, then Sarah, me, Nick, and Andrew on the far right. She then holds a cloth (probably felt, the budget doesn't go as far as velvet, probably) bag in front of Lizzie. Lizzie picks out a small wooden disc with '2' painted on it, which decides that we're going to be in position two on the set. That's numbers 6 to 10 in normal 15 to 1 terms, but to us it simply means that we're in the middle. And I'm in the very middle of the set.
9:50am - Final team talk before we go in. We decide to just go for it, and stick with our original strategy of "get all the questions right". To warm up our brains for our big moment, I produce a sheet with new 30 questions on it, and fire them randomly at the rest of the team, including Lizzie (well, you never know when one of our number might throw up...). Although nobody actually says it, I'm pretty sure that most of the team are listening to me and thinking "sad man".
10:00am - The call comes from researcher Debbie for us to go into the studio. Everyone suddenly goes totally rigid with fear, even the reserves, and follows Debbie, in a line like an infants' school expedition, to the studio. Right, stay calm, we think. Of course, this isn't possible, we're all complete giggly wrecks. The entrance to the studio has a load of cables and other electronic "stuff" (that's the technical word for it) across the floor. To one side of the door is the current "finals board", which appears to be made from two metal bars, holding between them some of those "next customer" things from the checkout at Sainsbury's ("Making life taste better") with the current top nine scores on them, which we have to rank amongst today to have a chance of reaching the series semi-finals. I try to sneak a look at the scores we should be aiming to beat, but guess what, they're covered by cables.
10:15am - We take our seats behind our part of that legendary elliptical desk. According to Lizzie, who's sat in the audience, we look as if we've been decapitated as only our heads are showing. It's only when she attracts our attention to tell us this that I notice...no audience!!! Well, there were three reserve contestants, six (I think) teachers, and numerous technical crew who didn't appear to be doing anything; only about 20 people in total. This makes us, especially me, suspicious about whether what we see on screen is completely genuine. In order to avoid thinking about this, I grab a look at the names of the other two schools. On our right we have St John's, male/female ratio 2:3. They are also giggly wrecks, I'm sure they're only here to have fun. On our left, Queen Mary's Grammar, male/female ratio 5:0, probably 'cos they're a boys only school. They seem to be so nervous, they're trying not to look at anything outside of their teams' members.
10:20am - Still haven't started, although the floor manager has arrived. No sign of William G yet, either. To alleviate the boredom, we notice that the shallow curve of the desk is ideal for the 15 people seated around it to do a Mexican wave. However, trying to instigate this from the middle of the line is patently impossible, so we have to break the nervous threshold of communication and ask St John's to start it. Amazingly, they agree. Lunatics. So they stand up and sit down again in order, and then we do the same. It gets as far as Andrew before reaching the Queen Mary's Grammar team, who haven't noticed our strange idea of fun, so everyone sees the wave stop there against a wall of indifference. We and St John's both collapse in hysterics. Queen Mary's Grammar still don't notice.
10:25am - We start recording five minutes early, seeing as we'd all been there for the last ten minutes. The first part of the ordeal is the 18 opening shots to appear in the title sequence. St John's go first, they all stand up to do a group shot, then do individual shots. Then it's our turn. We all stand up at the same time, jury style, and I realise how incongruously tall I am in comparison to the rest of the team, and how incongruously small Sarah is. This is why I'm in the middle. I notice on a monitor that my head's at 45 degrees from vertical, but it's too late to do anything about that. We then do our individual shots, where again I think I slant my head in a drunken style, and after each shot there is a pause, as Philip from the audition's voice-over is played to make sure it fits in with the pics. We miss looking at Queen Mary's Grammar do their shots as we're too busy getting a complex about how awful we looked. This is confirmed when we see the finished opening sequence where, yes, my head is at 45 degrees to everything else.
10:40am - All that preamble finished, we wait, nervous that the next thing we'd be doing would probably affect our social status for a long way into the future. Then, like a heavenly being from above, William G descends into the studio! Actually, "descends" might be a bit overenthusiastic, "walks" would be more accurate. Not even any dry ice flowing through the door. He talks to each one of us, asking us about what subjects we're doing. All of the St John's team augment their subjects by saying that they're doing General Studies. Not to be outdone, I add this to my list of subjects as well when my time to talk to the quiz-meister comes around. Curious as to the nature of this subject that's being done by 6 of the first 8 people, he asks me what exactly General Studies is. I describe it to him as best as I can considering I haven't actually seen a paper, and this prompts him to say "a bit like a quiz show on paper, then?" I can't find anything wrong with this, so I say yes. Only when William G has gone on to talk to Queen Mary's Grammar does Daniel point out to me that I've probably completely knocked down everyone else's stature, by saying that General Studies is little more than an exam in trivia, unlike all the other exams. Oops.
10:50am - At last! We've finally started recording! William G does his opening spiel to the camera, and we realise that Andrew and possibly Nick are going to be in shot in the background. "Just try to look pretty", I tell them. Then, signalled by applause which comes when a lady called Kay presses a button, the battle finally begins. Here are the highlights (no, I'm not going to go through every detail of every question):
OPENING QUESTIONS - NO CONFERRING
St John's only get two of their first five questions, even missing a v.easy football question that even I know.
Our first questions: Daniel and Sarah get theirs right, then it's my turn. "Which ex-MP is no the head of the government's football task force?" "David Mellor" I say instantly, my eagerness to get it right forcing the answer all into one word. Then Nick and Andrew get theirs right to give us a clean sweep of the first five questions - 50 out of 50!!!
We're not as good on the next five, me and Nick miss out, but we still end the first round leading with 80 points.
SECOND QUESTIONS - 10 POINTS FOR NOT CONFERRING, 5 FOR CONFERRING
To Sarah: "The musical "Mamma Mia!", which opened in London recently, is based around the songs of which 1970s/80s supergroup?" She has to confer. Oh, if only you'd been watching the BBC this morning, Sarah!!!
To me: "Which London Park contains London Zoo?" I have to confer. Daniel tells me straight away: "Regent's Park". Of course. He, along with Nick and Andrew, had been performing music there a few days ago. So it would have to be me that the question went to, wouldn't it?
To me again: some question about a religious organisation, which none of us know. I guess Church of Scientology, and look a complete prat when told it's the Salvation Army.
To Andrew: "What is botulism?" I tell him food poisoning. At least I got that one right.
To James from St John's: "How is the Irish entertainer Paul O'Grady better known?" After no ideas arise from conferring with his team mates, he guesses "that Irish dancing bloke?", which causes all 16 people on set to burst into yet more hysterics. Oh, it's Lily Savage, by the way.
To Sarah: "What is the name of the stretch of water that separates Anglesey from mainland Wales?" She looks to us, and is met with the silence of "we don't know". Doh.
To me yet again: "what is the German word for Germany?" Again my reply is out before I think, but thankfully it's right (Deutschland). As soon as I'm sure the camera's off me, I let out an elephantine sigh of relief.
11:20am - And then it's over. Or at least it is for the first half, and the rest of the team. We've somehow managed to lose our lead, and go into the second half 5 points behind Queen Mary's Grammar, although we are well ahead of St John's. The rest of it's up to me alone, on the buzzer against James from St John's and William from Queen Mary's Grammar. A couple of people have to re-record their answers because of poor sound quality, although this didn't happen to us, a testament to the clear speaking abilities of Westbourne people!!! Anyway, me, James and William have to convene around one end of the huge desk with voice-over Philip, and tell him which subjects we're studying. While this is happening, the smaller desk and the monitor for the second half are being wheeled on like a pair of trolleys. While I watch this with the fascination of a five year old at the zoo, I'm also continuing the conversation with James and William, which somehow has found its way onto the subject of the regions of Britain that still can't receive Channel 5. Having seen Cryptogram yesterday, it has to be said that they're the lucky ones.
11:30am - We take our positions behind the table for the final. As before, I'm in the middle, rather unceremoniously standing on a mat covering yet more cables. We do our microphone checks, and then I have to test my buzzer. 'Eck, this thing needs a bit of a press! The make up ladies return to paint over the cracks that have appeared in my "beautiful" television face, and then William G. returns, runs us through the rules once more, and we're ready to do this. Ho'way, baby, let's go!
11:40am - After making the three of us each do another portrait shot - and guess what, I'm still on a tilt - we start Part 2. The light fades up, accompanied by the music and canned applause. William G. walks on, informs us of the score we need to get a place on the leaderboard, and then the questions start:
QUESTION 1: The monitor flashes up a picture of a white wire-frame globe and two leaves on a light blue background. William G. manages to get the whole question out before I realise it's the UN, thankful that the other two haven't got it yet. Hey, I'm in the lead.
QUESTION 2: "Two commonwealth countries are islands in the Mediterranean..." Oh help, I only know one. I buzz in anyway and say Malta. "And Sardinia" says William G, after a bell, tells me I only needed to know one. Phew.
Then it all goes a bit funny. William (the contestant) gets six in a row, I think possibly due to William (the presenter) not waiting for the buzzers to reset before the next question.
Erm, after that it all goes a bit fuzzy in my memory. I remember getting one wrong somewhere in there and losing a life. I can rejoin the with four questions to go, where I've managed to fight my way back to just ahead. I recognise the diagram of a baseball field, and put myself far enough ahead not to be caught, and then take two of the next three to reach a final winning score of 305. The next bit is well documented, I collapse forward onto the desk in a sign of exhaustion. Let me state here that I DID NOT PLAN TO DO THAT. Honest. Despite only having to move my fingers, that final was one of the most exhausting things I've ever done.
12:05pm - We're third on the leaderboard after a third of the series, apparently. This means that we've got a "very good chance at this point of the series" of ending on the final leader board and getting into the semi-finals, whatever "a very good chance" means. We leave the studio and get on the minibus. The minibus goes straight to the tube station, where we all dismount. St John's congratulate us (really nice people), Queen Mary's Grammar somehow disappear without us noticing.
1:00pm - Liverpool Street Station. Once again, we are at a certain fast food restaurant. The rest of the team, except Sarah, Lizzie and Miss Stubbens (gone shopping, naturellement), who I couldn't see during the final because of the billion-watt light bulbs used on the cameras, are telling me everything about what happened, as I can't remember any of it. They seem especially interested in telling me about my course of action for the question after any question where someone else got in first - press the thing harder, apparently.
1:50pm - We're on the train back to Ipswich, although at the moment it's still stuck in the station. While we're waiting, we play the aforementioned "people-spotting" game once more. The rules to this are very simple. Looking at the people milling about like they had better things to do than stand on the platform, make up a statement about something to do with them. It's that simple. Stuff that is patently false, such as saying "actually 67" about a teenage cyclist or "6 month conviction for fraud" about one of those depressingly wet young kissing couples seem to get the team's humour the best.
3:30pm - We arrive where our adventure started more than a day ago, at Ipswich Railway Station. Walking back home with Lizzie, Nick and Daniel, it starts to rain, just to rub in the fact that we're not in sunny Wandsworth now.
4:05pm - Get home, to find that I've just missed the start of today's show. Damn.
So that's what happened the first time. Being in the middle of a school holiday, and having finished all appropriate homework to allow the mind to be clear (these things are important, y'know), my life was a blank meaningless void for a whole week, until we returned to school. Of course, everyone knew where we'd been, and our deal to tell everyone that we weren't allowed to say how we got on lasted all of about ten minutes, at a generous guess. It did seem a bit strange, everyone knowing our result before the series had started, but then, like the preferred pizza toppings of this week's boyband, people do want to know these things. Oh well, Sixth Form life passed by in worryingly uneventful fashion for the next couple of weeks, until in the middle of one week, we got a telephone call telling us that after 30 of the first 36 shows had been done, we were fifth on the leaderboard, and it seemed very likely that we'd be going there again. Of course, if five of the six remaining shows produced winners with scores above ours, we'd be out of the top nine and not needed anymore, so they'd have to call us again when the shows were finished, which would be the coming Friday. When Friday came, I was out teaching kiddies to play tennis, so Nick got the call that told us we were through! The next Wednesday (May the Fifth), we'd be back in the studio to do the semi-final, and if we won that, we'd do the final the next day. We weren't in school on the following Monday, so on Tuesday, the following conversation took place a few times:
Me or Nick: "We're in the semis"
Other Member Of Team: "Oh, excellent! When do we do it?"
M/N: "Tomorrow"
OMOT: "You what?"
M/N: "Tomorrow"
OMOT: "Oh"